Those Who Come First, Come First.
8 mins read
Not all sexual abuse hurts, confusing yes, damaging yes but sometimes it doesn’t hurt.
Sometimes it feels good because our bodies are meant to feel good when our vulvas, vaginas, breasts, nipples, penises or testicles are touched. Our bodies have an inbuilt procreation system to ensure the survival of our species. In addition, the connection to another and the attention given when sexual abuse happens can also feel good.
Connection and belonging are also vital for our survival.
So these are two very good reasons why children may not disclose sexual abuse.
I did not tell until I was in my 20’s. In my work as a children and family counsellor, I feel this is really important to understand so that when we educate children about their bodies and how they have the right to protect them, we can also minimise shame that has already occurred or may yet occur if their bodies have been touched or will be touched.
Family Planning Queensland have a wonderful tool in the Traffic Lights system, which helps people working with children to ascertain how to manage sexual behaviours in different age groups.
Green – “sexual behaviours that are normal, age appropriate, spontaneous, curious, mutual, light hearted and easily diverted experimentation provide opportunities to talk, explain and support”
Orange – “sexual behaviours that are outside normal behaviour in terms of persistence, frequency or inequality in age, power or ability signal the need to monitor and provide extra support”
Red – “sexual behaviours that are problematic or harmful, forceful, secretive, compulsive, coercive or degrading signal the need to provide immediate protection and follow up support”.
Shame and secrecy around sex and sexuality only perpetuates the environment where sexual abuse can continue. A child who has experienced shame and/or secrecy around their bodies and their sexuality may push their sexuality underground.
This could manifest through being overtly sexual (orange or red behaviours) to secret sexual behaviour (green, orange or red) to completely cutting off from their bodies.
In any of these cases, their sexuality is not sacred or treasured as the energy of life.
Let’s fast forward…..imagine this child now grown and navigating the world of
relationships. Without healing, they are likely to be involved in relationships
that also do not treasure sexual energy. They then have children. They could be hyper-vigilant about protecting their child/ren or unaware of the risks, perpetuating the shame and/or the secrecy around sexuality which is the perfect environment for sexual abuse.
relationships. Without healing, they are likely to be involved in relationships
that also do not treasure sexual energy. They then have children. They could be hyper-vigilant about protecting their child/ren or unaware of the risks, perpetuating the shame and/or the secrecy around sexuality which is the perfect environment for sexual abuse.
Without healing, the cycle is continued.
As parents and educators we have the opportunity to overcome any shame or secrecy we feel about our own sexuality so we can treasure and hold sacred the sexuality of children.
This means finding healing for ourselves.
We can help children honour their bodies and sexuality.
We can help children be honest and open about their bodies and their sexuality.
We can help children develop healthy boundaries around their bodies and their sexuality.
