Not All Sexual Abuse Hurts
7 mins read
Often, within families, children may take on the role of looking after the parent. Not necessarily in a physical way, although this can happen, more in an emotional way.
Children can carry the emotional pain of their parents, in an attempt to relieve their parents of this burden.
In my work with children in the child protection system, I see quite clearly the importance of order within family systems.
Without this order love, resources, energy, knowledge, skills, care etc cannot flow easily.
Within families, this order can be clarified by remembering, “those who come first come first”.
In my counselling, I see this with 10 year old Tracey (not her real name), the eldest in a family of 9 who expresses overwhelming sadness, suicidal sadness when talking about her father. Her father’s grief seems to come from losing his mother early in his life. A young girl’s blind love for her father will have her trying to relieve him of his grief. “I will grieve so you don’t need to. I will leave (suicide) so you don’t need to”.
I let her know that she is the little one and Dad is the big one. That Dad is supported (by family, friends, services etc) in looking after his own grief brings a sense of relief that is visible across her face and body. She can relax, step back into her position as the child and receive the gifts from her father, particularly the gift of life.
The entanglement is cleared.
In carrying the burdens of the parents, the child makes themselves bigger than the parents. The child becomes the parent. In this place the child cannot receive love or gifts from the parent.
The family order is distorted and love cannot flow easily.
Within a family system “those who come first, come first” includes:
Partnership before parenthood
Eldest before youngest
First wife/husband before second wife/husband
Children from first wife/husband before second wife/husband
Biological family before adopted/foster family
Put more simply – we honour who made the present circumstances possible. Without this honour we cannot truly receive the full gifts of life.
Just like Tracey, we cannot parent our parents and honour them at the same time. To take on our parent’s burdens dishonours them and discards the gift of life they gave.
So how do we honour those who came before, those who made a space for us to step into, and those who have made our current lives conceivable?
As I work with children, I remind them that in relation to their parents, they are the little ones and their parents are the big ones. This can be through many varied modes of individual and group exercises.
In relation to their siblings we can use their family genogram and other visual representations to find their right place. Visual tools are great for children as they see all their family together and in the right order and can relax into their own special place. It is important to include the dead ones within the sibling order too.
I have found this has given the children I work with a great deal of comfort and strength.
As parents, accepting our own parents exactly as they are, honouring the life and love they gave us creates a clearer channel for the love to flow through to our own children.
As parents, honouring the other/s who made this little life possible, allows love to flow to your child regardless of separation/divorce/repartnering.
Having been the “stepmother” in 2 blended families now, I know honouring the father of my children and honouring the mother of my partner’s children has resulted in a more stable and secure foundation from which the love can flow and the children can grow.
Adopted families, similarly to foster families can provide a wonderful loving environment.
The children can be strengthened when the adults honour the biological parents for the gift of life given to the children.
There can be difficulty if the gifts of life and love given by parents or partners are judged to be lacking or damaging.
This is where The Work of Byron Katie can be useful.
We have created the ideal parent, the ideal partner in our minds and what can be seen when looking at the entire family system as love can be judged to be a burden.
I see it all as love, every entanglement, every burden, every gift, every symptom, every depression – it’s all love!
There is no judgement, we just ask and allow the love to be seen and embraced in a new way.
How wonderful it is to see the faces of children relieved to be free to hold their parents in their hearts and fully receive their love.
